


you keep twisting the truth

by phinnia



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:21:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23877601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phinnia/pseuds/phinnia
Summary: Crowley has to borrow Lucifer's Corvette, as the Bentley has developed a spot of 'crankiness' and no one knows why.  He has to pick up Warlock at the airport.  (And Adam, of course, and Dog.)   Sequel tojust because you're paranoid doesn't mean someone's not out to discorporate you.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Chloe Decker & Lucifer Morningstar, Crowley & Adam Young (Good Omens), Crowley & Warlock Dowling, Crowley (Good Omens) & Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 201





	1. Chapter 1

"I need to borrow your car." Crowley says one afternoon over lunch.

"What's wrong with the Bentley?" Lucifer asks. 

"She's irritated with me and won't tell me why."

The devil sighs. "Ah, the hazards of demonic vehicles."

He knew all about the Bentley, of course. The Bentley wasn't an original Bentley; the Bentley was in fact a Hellhound. And just like naming Dog 'dog' had assisted in preventing the Apocawhoops, naming the Hellhound Bentley had determined its shape and form. Crowley had, in fact, had the Bentley from new. He had raised it from a puppy. She was female, of course. She only played Queen and Velvet Underground, because that was the only music she liked. And now she was _annoyed with Crowley._ Which meant things went wonky unexpectedly. Well, even more wonky than usual. 

"All right." Lucifer says. "When do you want it?"

"This afternoon."

"You couldn't tell me earlier?"

"No! I got locked in this morning and all she would play was bloody _Nickelback_ , Luci, for two hours, she's _pissy_ about _something_."

"Why do you need my car anyway?"

"I'm meeting Warlock at the airport."

Lucifer looked at his cousin, confused. "You are meeting _a warlock_ at the airport. Why would a warlock need to take commercial airplanes? Don't tell me it's Constantine again. I don't want to owe him _another_ bloody favour."

"Not _a warlock_ , Luci, _Warlock_." Crowley laughs. "I told you, I used to be his nanny."

"You are _deliberately_ bringing an _anklebiter_ to visit you, and you are doing this _in my car_ , Crowley? Have you actually lost what remains of your serpentine marbles?"

"He's ridden in the _Bentley,_ Luci. I promise, he's clean _and_ has had all his vaccines recently updated. Your car will not get sticky or dirty. I swear on every one of Aziraphale's books."

"All right." Lucifer sighs. "Fine."

So Crowley took the car from Lucifer at the precinct. 

"If you crash my Corvette, I swear to Dad I will get Holy Water and drown you in the stuff in your own loop for eternity." Lucifer says.

"I will not crash your car." Crowley says, hands up in supplication. "I drove the Bentley through Hellfire on the M25, I can manage 405 airport traffic. I promise."

"All right. Fine. And no _sticky crumbs_."

"Absolutely none. I swear no ice creams until after he gets _out_ of the car."

Lucifer was about to send him straight back to Hell express on his fist when he noticed the smirk on Crowley's face.

"I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't even like you." Lucifer mutters.

"You dooo." Crowley grins, and tosses the keys in the air hand to hand as he gets in.

He drives off with 'Bohemian Rhapsody' blaring from the speakers. Lucifer sighs and makes a note to change all of his presets back.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"He's not bad. Well, he is, he's the devil, but he's not bad for a cousin, you know."_

"Nanny!" Warlock runs through the crowd. "I can't believe you _live_ here now! It's so _weird!_ "

"I know, 'tis, isn't it?"

"Do you still have the Bentley?"

"She's at home. I'm borrowing my cousin's car."

"Your cousin drives good cars." Warlock says, looking over the Corvette.

"He's not bad. Well, he is, he's the devil, but he's not bad for a cousin, you know." Crowley ruffles Warlock's hair. "How are your dreadful parents?"

"Still pretty awful." Warlock replies with a sigh.

"Sorry, not-Antichrist." Crowley replies with a sad smile. "But we can drive my cousin's car really fast and he won't even care as long as we don't crash it."

"As fast as the Bentley?"

"Faster." Crowley floors it and does donuts around the cargo parking lot to make Warlock laugh.

"So why are you so cranky today?" Chloe asks her partner.

"Crowley's borrowed my car because the Bentley is cranky." Lucifer makes a face. "And Dad knows how long it's going to take to sort that out."

"Can you even get Bentley parts for that model in Los Angeles?"

"Oh, I'm sure you can somewhere. Not that that will do him any good, because the Bentley's not actually a car."

She slams on the brake to avoid hitting the car in front of her. "You're telling me that his _car_ is not a _car_?"

"Of course it's not a car. It's a Hellhound." Lucifer replies, like this is something that happens all the time.

"It's ... a Hellhound. In the shape of a car."

"Mmm. When you name a Hellhound, you give it shape and form. Most of them are named clever things like 'Throatripper' or 'Stalks-By-Night', but apparently Crowley had been looking at a car showroom just before he'd gotten the puppy, and he named her 'Bentley'. So she took the form of a 1926 Bentley."

"That only plays Queen."

"And Velvet Underground. Well, that's the music she prefers, so that's what she plays. Gets that from Crowley, I suppose."

"So what happens when your hellhound-car gets ... cranky?" Chloe asks curiously.

"Does unexpected things. Apparently she locked Crowley inside and played Nickelback at him for two hours." Lucifer makes a face. 

"That's ... bad?"

"Passes for torture in Hell."

"So ... when do you get your car back?"

Lucifer sighs. "Not a bloody clue. When she's done being cranky."


	3. Chapter 3

"Brother Francis!" Warlock ran across the room and into Aziraphale's arms. 

"Warlock! Please don't tell me I have to put in the teeth. You've grown so terribly much. Crowley, darling, your car is making the most dreadful racket in our carport."

"Garage, Aziraphale, you can call it a garage." Crowley sighs. "What's she doing?"

"Honking and playing some bebop song, repeatedly. It's quite noisy."

Crowley went over to the garage thoughtfully and listened in horror as he hears Queen belting out 'Get Down, Make Love' through the walls.

Shit, shit, Shit. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Bollocks. He'd forgotten about _dogs_ going into _heats_ and he'd completely forgotten how to change Bentley back into a Hellhound.

No, no.

He had an _idea_. Not quite the M25 sort of idea, but it was still good.

He appeared outside the Former-Antichrist's front door with a ruffled bunch of feathers and knocked. "Adam!"

"Crowley!" Adam was chewing on a sandwich. "It's been ages since we've seen you! What's America like?"

"Do you want to see?"

Because Adam was still eleven or thereabouts, this was, of course, the best idea ever. He ran inside and informed his parents and told them not to worry about him for a few days. "Can Dog come?"

"Dog can absolutely come." Crowley smiled to himself. "One thousand percent. Wouldn't want Dog to miss out on all this great American fun."

"What about the Them?"

"We'll see about that in a bit. I can always come back and get The Them."

Satisfied by this, Adam picks up Dog, and Crowley picks up Adam, and they fly back to L.A.

"That was _awesome_!" Adam shouts as they land. "Wait until I tell The Them that I flew all the way to America! Wow, what time is it here? Is this your house?"

"Yup, 'tis. Aziraphale's inside."

Dog jumps down and runs inside with his young master.

Crowley dials another phone number and waits for it to ring.

"You better not have wrecked my car."

"Your car is sitting peacefully in my driveway." Crowley says with a smile that would probably be called snakelike. "I figured out what the Bentley's problem is."

"Wonderful! When do I get my car back?"

"Well, there's kind of a problem with that."

"Bloody _dad_. Of course there is. What's the problem now?"

"The Bentley's in heat and I don't remember how to turn her back into a dog."

Lucifer swore sulphuorously in Lilim on the other end of the line. 

"No, I'm pretty sure that's not it, I'm pretty sure those were the words for -"

"I _know_ what they were the words for, Serpent." Lucifer replies testily. "You need a male dog."

"Oh, I've got _that_ sorted. I just can't work out how to get Bentley back to her dog form."

"Oh, is that all? Fine. I'll be over ... soon ... to give you a hand." Lucifer sighs. "And to _finally_ get my car back."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale has lemon cake, and tea, of course, because every problem is solved with tea.

Adam and Warlock were having lemon cake in the backyard. Aziraphale had already gone through all of the tut-tutting of not having seen a child for some time, which Crowley was glad to be absent for.

He eventually hears Chloe's car drive up as he threatens a few of the shrubs in the front part of the yard into behaving. She drives ridiculously slow. Aziraphale loves riding in her car, which Crowley always finds a bit odd. Maybe they talk about recipes. No idea.

Lucifer gets out of the car, and so does Trixie. "Crowleeey!"

"Hey!" Crowley gives her a hug. 

"Maze is gonna pay for my _archery_ lessons."

"Now that is cool. You need a really good bow for that. Come on, into the backyard." He bends over to her ear and murmurs. "Aziraphale has _cake_. And there are other kids."

"Didn't you use a bow?" Lucifer asks conversationally. "In the rebellion? You shot over everyone's heads, you were useless with it."

"You know what? That was ages ago and I've completely forgotten if I did or not. You want cake, right?"

Lucifer hears Nickelback blasting out of the garage and winces. "Right now, yes."

Chloe Decker follows her partner and his cousin into the (unfairly) lush backyard. There is a small table - wrought iron, painted white - with ridiculously delicate-looking tea cups and matching plates. There are three children - Trixie, and two boys - running around the backyard, and also a dog. Looks like a mongrel, cute, but also well-trained.

Lucifer steps into the yard. Several odd things happen.

The dog skids to a stop behind one of the children - a blonde boy, with ringlets, who unfairly looks like a cherub - and runs over to Lucifer. It whines, sharp and loud, and sits down obediently.

"Dog, stop that." The cherub-kid says.

Lucifer looks down at the dog. His eyes go wide. He blinks at it, and then he narrows his gaze at Crowley.

 _"This_ was the male dog you found, Serpent of Eden?" he says.

Crowley had used that time to duck behind Aziraphale.

"Don't you do nothin' to my dog!" The cherub-kid marches over, his eyes angry. "Dog's mine, and don't you go touchin' him!"

"Oh, believe me, I don't intend to have anything to do with this filthy creature. This is a Kenneth Cole suit."

"Lucifer!" Chloe hisses. "Be nice! He's just a kid!"

"Lucifer's just fussy about his clothes." Trixie says from the other side of the yard. "He'll be okay as long as Dog doesn't go jumpin' on him."

"Oh, 'kay." The cherub kid sticks out his hand. "I'm Adam Young. That's Dog."

Lucifer Morningstar, Lord of Hell, King of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, made a light-speed mental calculation of all the people Crowley knew of that might have a convenient Hellhound, came up with one, and tenatively shook his son's hand. "Lovely to meet you, Adam Young."

Aziraphale's best solution to fixing problems was with a good cuppa. So there was tea brought out. Naturally.

"Where did you get this tea set?" Chloe asks, to break the silence.

"Oh, this? I've had it since Victoria's wedding, I believe." 

"Now that - that was a bash." Crowley replies. 

"You were presenting as a woman then, weren't you, darling?" Aziraphale says. "All I remember is the marvelous little sandwiches."

"I remember the wine, and those bloody corsets." Crowley makes a face.

"I remember Prince Albert's ring." Lucifer smiles and sighs. "Not to mention the way he _used_ it."

Crowley kicks him under the table. "Stop talking about that in front of the children, you ... pervert."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Adam comes over to the table when Aziraphale and Chloe have gone inside to get more tea. "So you're my real father. My birth father, I mean."_

Adam comes over to the table when Aziraphale and Chloe have gone inside to get more tea. "So you're my real father. My birth father, I mean."

"I suppose I am." Lucifer replies, feeling intensely awkward. "That ... whole Apocalypse thing wasn't really my idea, you know. I wasn't even there, I was in Los Angeles, at my club." 

"You weren't there?" Adam looks interested. "So who was that, the big red ... demon, I guess ... that burst through the ground?"

"Well, Crowley and I think that was Dromos, or some other high-ranking demon. All I know is, it wasn't _me_. I wasn't there at the time, I was here." 

"Oh, okay." Adam replies. 

"What, you just ... accept that? How do you know I'm not lying?"

"Why would you lie?" 

"Well, I wouldn't. I don't." Lucifer replies. "But people do." 

"Oh, I know _that_. Greasy Johnson lies to his mum all the time about how he did in maths."

"Greasy Johnson? Who is this ... unfortunately named creature?"

"The leader of the Johnsonites, the other gang in Tadfield. Y'see, there are two gangs, the Johnsonites, and the Them." Adam starts telling the story of The Them in an animated fashion, with lots of hand motions. Lucifer has a lot of difficulty keeping up. Dog lies down on the grass between them with his nose on his paws and sighs. 

When Lucifer finally looks up to see if someone, _anyone_ , is free to save him, he sees Crowley quietly chuckling to himself. 

"What?"

"Now that I see you together, he kind of reminds me of a very young you. Always talking, full of ideas and ideals, very much the leader ..."

"That _does_ sound a lot like him, doesn't it?" Chloe replies from the doorway. "Plus those curls."

"Crowley, don't you have a car or a hellhound that needs repairing or mating with or whatever it was?" 

"Oh." Crowley gets up from the table. "Right. Bentley. Yes."


End file.
